Northwords Now Issue 38

The FREE literary magazine of the North

The giant fatberg’s steps for success

by Mark Ryan Smith

I will put on weight
whenever I can. I will be thankful
for every draining dishwasher,
for every emptied toilet bowl.

I will tell the world my story,
(from the gutter and not much further),
when I release my autobiography
In the Pipeline: Life Below the Bend.

I will work tirelessly to swell
my undersized Instagram following:

I will throw my weight behind
a campaign to raise awareness
of fat-shaming in the media,
then ride the waves of extra exposure.

I will orchestrate the underground
publicity strategy
for my Netflix six-parter
Attack of the Fifty Foot Fatberg.

I will show fans my sensitive side,
by laying to rest,
with dignity and respect,
every goldfish that washes my way.