The giant fatberg’s steps for success

by Mark Ryan Smith

1.    
I will put on weight
whenever I can. I will be thankful
for every draining dishwasher,
for every emptied toilet bowl.

2.    
I will tell the world my story,
(from the gutter and not much further),
when I release my autobiography
In the Pipeline: Life Below the Bend.

3.    
I will work tirelessly to swell
my undersized Instagram following:
#rancidfatisthenewblack.

4.    
I will throw my weight behind
a campaign to raise awareness
of fat-shaming in the media,
then ride the waves of extra exposure.

5.    
I will orchestrate the underground
publicity strategy
for my Netflix six-parter
Attack of the Fifty Foot Fatberg.

6.    
I will show fans my sensitive side,
by laying to rest,
with dignity and respect,
every goldfish that washes my way.